Perhaps the search had always been there, since childhood, as there was always something missing, and there had always been this moaning wilful child who was appearing in such guises as – job search, certain materialistic benefits, and relationships, becoming transformed into so-called spiritual materialism with various psychological methods, trainings and techniques. Sometimes it worked, and not that it was getting better, just easier, but not for a long time. Hell was getting slightly embellished, reflecting pink glitters.

The only desire was to get rid of that dragging feeling of insufficiency, incompleteness, guilt and impairment, because feeling of pride and excellency always seemed funny, as another nonsense claim for authorship. From that point there was immediate return to that common feeling of insufficiency, and any efforts to avoid it by any way led to a strong psychological and physical exhaustion. «Null» was almost not there, there was neither any abstraction, nor the witnessing. However the reactions - immediately there – leading to despondency and guilt either for not being able to overwhelm, or for not being able to satisfy, and then there came the whole bunch of «shouldn't react this way!» The strongest sufferings.

Psychosis, neuroses, depression...
Depression, psychosis, neuroses... Endless circle.
And only after I met with the live Teaching, with my adorable Master Ngo-Ma (Dragon), it had unlocked the endless circle. Intolerable desire left no choice for doubts and fear. A spirited Word was sweeping away and destroying ramparts and accumulations of ideas and mind castles, everything the most saints, and finally, the oracle – the feeling of authorship – this is where the shattering defeat occurred!
This intolerable Love burned down the one who loved and the beloved one; it became a door to confession, redemption, and healing! Just by leaning the hands towards the Teaching and the Master, who carries a Live Word, having released, sincerely and unveiled, without claims and arguments, what was squeezed in fists...
Without expectations and hope!
FULL, TOTAL, SHEER AND IMPLICIT SURRENDER – TO THE MASTER, TO THE TEACHING, TO LIFE...
Chrystal clear Purity, Serenity and Simplicity!